Tainted Love

So last night I met up with my new love (lets call him Noah) and some friends for din & cocktails at our regular Soho spot. The weather was beautiful and the place was packed with people who like ourselves, wanted to enjoy their evening dining outside. While in the midst of talking, laughing, and drinking my dinner I notice a gorgeous, young model-looking girl sitting at the bar who kept turning around and looking over at our table. After about the third time she looked over I turned to my guy's best friend and said "Look at that gorgeous chick at the bar man, she's sitting there alone. Go do your thing before some dude sits down and starts talking to her. Without hesitation he walked over to the bar, ordered a drink and started to talk with her as if they knew each other.  When I mention to Noah that his boy's a stud he says "No, that's Jennifer, we know her." Ahhhh that explains why they were chit-chatting so effortlessly.

Fast forward an hour — we've finished having dinner and walked over to the bar to drink dessert. After about two minutes I begin to notice that my usually affectionate-loving-only into me no matter how gorgeous the women are around us-boyfriend became detached, aloof and that his body language was not indicative of a man in love who wanted to appear as though he was there with me, exclusively.

First thought that goes through my head: Do I look fat? second thought was Impossible! I'm in my skinny jeans [size 28 by the by) third was; Stop, absorb (particularly more vodka but also the situation), don't jump to conclusions instead, JUST BREATHE. And then... as I turn my head I notice that the Brazilian too short to be a model — but still drop dead gorgeous with her twenty-one year old perky tits and no bra broad was making eye contact with my Noah. WHAT THE FUCK? What happened to the man I've been with for the last few months? The man who has been professing his undying love for me? The man who told me to let go of my tough girl act with him to "allow myself to fall" that he "would catch me?" The man who I've been faithful to, and who I could have seen myself growing old with? Where was the man who made me feel like this relationship was like a flower that was blooming easily and effortlessly & that we were magic?

We're around stunning women regularly and I'm the one who tells him to look at them- "babe look how hot that chick is" or "Her ass is outrageous!  I mean I'm not insecure around drop dead beautiful women, I appreciate their beauty as I do fine art and things of that nature FOR GOD SAKES I work in fashion along side famous designers who surround themselves with models! Some of my best friends are high fashion models! This wasn't about her looks. My gut (which has always been dead on) told me that HE KNEW HER - KNEW HER.


Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.... I start the count. Eye contact take 2, 3, 4, 5.... Then he orders a round of drinks, turns to his boy & says:

"Do you think that we should order YOUR FRIEND a drink, she's sitting on the other side of the bar alone,"  - I keep it all in and after another 15 minutes I opt to go home. He pays the bill, says his goodbyes and we walk out calm cool and collective.

Then... after he notices that I'm not myself, he asks "Baby what's wrong? I feel like your MOJO is off."


UM..... "HELLO? WHAT AM I NEW? Do you think I was made with a finger? Born last night? Not raised in Brooklyn? Why didn't you go sit and keep her company NO-FUCKING-AH? Seeing as though you were so concerned with HER well being and all!

Turns out that they've met once before when he was there a few months ago with his friends after work. She's a 21 year old struggling model and he felt bad for her because she's lost. They had a conversation and that was the extent of it.  So.... let me get this straight; No blow job, No make out, not even an exchange of digits? Hmmmmmm.

I should say that he really is a faithful, sweet, loving, caring mate for lifer who was in a committed monogamous relationship for years and NEVER CHEATED. Everyone who knows him knows that he is a GREAT MAN, a STAND UP GUY, someone who would NEVER fuck around. So why then? Why didn't he introduce me as his girlfriend like he does to everyone else? Why did he care so much about her being okay and not give a second thought to the fact that I felt neglected, unloved & undesired by the man who is supposedly as head over heels for me as I am for him?

This relationship had no masks. It was pure, it was real, it was beautiful. It wasn't perfect - I had no expectations of perfection but, I wanted to lay an honest, raw, trustworthy foundation down for the first time in my life. I didn't want to ever feel that spiteful, vindictive feeling of... oh yeah... okay... two can play this GAME-I'm so over the games.

He continues to profess his devoted love to me... He knows that it's me who he wants to be with and that although he understands how I can feel the way I do, he feels that I'm misinterpreting the situation. But how could I be? Regardless of who what where when and why, the point is that the whole fucking scenario was outright disrespectful and uncomfortable.

It all boils down to this; I allowed myself to be vulnerable, open, honest, receptive, selfless and I was let down. Disappointed by someone who I NEVER thought would EVER be the cause of me feeling anything less then a beautiful, strong, confident, LOVED woman.

I plan to just go with the flow and not build roads on uncertain ground but rather return to my own journey, and decorate my own garden.

And just like that.... The dynamic of this once beautiful, pure, loving relationship has now become tainted.


                                                               Comes The Dawn... 

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

xo,

Sam Jones.